recondite_existence on Xanga

Monday, 14 December 2009

Don't Ignore Me

Ok, so I'm a little crazy, maybe. But one thing I cannot stand in the least is to be ignored, consciously at least. If someone gets sidetracked, that's fine & doesn't bother me, but when someone flat-out does not respond to me, knowing that I'm trying to communicate to them somehow, it drives me insane. It makes me want to beat them senseless! Sounds like I have an anger issue, huh? Well, maybe I do. I don't know. It's just one of those things you don't want to do to me, if you're close to me or want to be.
My boyfriend's been doing it... again. And it makes me so angry. I don't know what the deal is. Did I do something? Do you still love me?? Have you forgotten about me??? WHAT'S THE DEAL???? That's all I want to know! If it's something I can fix, PLEASE tell me. I'll fix it. If it's something that I've done or am doing, PLEASE tell me so I can apologize sincerely. Just don't ignore me & expect me to understand why you won't respond to anything I'm saying to you.
It's not like I'm spamming him with txts or IM's. Maybe one or two a day on either, not both, & that's it. Sometimes not even that. I'm just trying to get his attention is all, and I get nothing back! If I could call him, I would. If I could drive over to his house, I would. But I can't. He's been going places, not entirely behind my back, but doing things he knows I don't want him doing. I can get over all that mess. I just hate when he ignores me, thinking it's better for him or me that way.
If he at least told me he wouldn't be on for a while, I could deal with that too. Just him never answering anything makes me want to rip my hair out! Please tell me there's someone else out there who feels the same way...

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Men. Can't Live with Them, Can't Live Without Them.

I love my boyfriend. There's no one I respect or appreciate more. We've been together for 2 years & almost 9 months. It's been a while. During that entire duration of time, we've had our ups and downs. Mainly downs because of the drama we've had to put up with for being together. Long story... Anyways, we both have our doubtful moments that things will really "be okay" in the end. It's not like we don't think we'd make it alright together alone, but with the situation we're in right now, where we can't see each other or talk on the phone, it gets difficult to believe everything will be okay. It's not the first time we had little to no contact. But that doesn't mean it's any easier. Well, okay it may be a little easier but it's still not fun. I miss him. He's my first love, and I hope to be my last. I know it's probably just because of the moment but I really do think that if anything ever happened to where we split for good, I would never be the same. Well I know I would never be the same. Who ever is? That's a big deal. How much you put into a relationship is how much it will hurt if it should come to an end. That means if it does end, it will pretty much kill me. If not physically, emotionally. I don't want it to be the end. He doesn't either. But there seems to be no way around this road block. He's starting college in January. I'm working now, and have been for about a month. He's going to be around a crazy environment. We talked about getting an apartment together, which would be great, but neither of us have a car (anymore...), & so getting to work would be an issue. I want my own place so bad, to get out of this house for good & never come back... I'm saving up my money from work to put toward my new life as a fully capable adult, and hopefully I'll have my man standing right by my side.

Sunday, 04 October 2009

Anyone remember starting off with Xanga? Yea, those were the days. Blogging was generally new & everyone was addicted. I don't know how many other similar cites there are or not but that's how it was for me. Next came Myspace. Didn't like it so much at first cause it wasn't like Xanga. But that's what made it pretty cool. You get used to it &, like Xanga, become addicted. Then Facebook, which I personally don't like as much at all. Then Twitter, which I don't have & refuse to get.
I hate how Myspace is trying to become more like Facebook. It started one way, why can't it continue the same? I understand improvements, but the Twitter-like updates you can post instead of bulletins get on my nerves. What's the purpose of bulletins anymore? All they consist of are stupid chain messages no one really wants to forward or surveys that basically ask the same thing over & over again. I mean, you can only tell me so many times that you're in a relationship with the greatest guy ever & the survey doesn't get too personal before it becomes completely redundant & annoying.
Oh, and with Facebook... It isn't Twitter! I don't want to know every hour what you're doing. That's too much for me to read! Understand I have more friends on there than just you. I don't have the time to constantly read all the updates posted. It was intended to be an occasional thing. Want to constantly update? Get a Twitter & only update on THAT!
You know you post the exact same thing on all three anyways. Narrow the info to one or the other. Hey, I'm guilty too. I prefer Myspace... well did till it started changing. I don't like the updates to the cite. Where did the old, easy to navigate layout go? Dang I could do anything I wanted on it. No stupid apps to worry about. Just put up my pictures, send messages & comments to friends, & life goes on.
It will never end, will it? What's next? There will always be something following. Before you know it, Twitter will be a thing of the past.

Wednesday, 02 September 2009

In the Clear

So yesterday I found out for sure... I'm not pregnant. That's a load off my chest, but then again, it bears it down even more. I kind of got used to the idea of having a baby. Now I'm kind of sad I'm not. Not at all saying I'm about to go out & get laid just to have a kid. More like staying away from the dick these days lol. I still get haunted by pregnancy adds or babies I see at Wal-Mart, but it's okay now I guess. Life still scares the shit out of me. There's this little voice in my head, the doubtful one, you know, that says the test just wasn't accurate. But I'm sure it is. I think I scared myself into thinking I had symptoms of pregnancy. Still, I gotta say, that was the scariest week of my life. You don't know any details at all, & never will sorry! Neither will anyone else. Just the three of us... Me, my boyfriend, & my best friend. That's all. I can never again let this topic leave my lips. It's just too hard even to think about. You don't have the slightest clue how it feels to walk into Wal-Mart & ask for a pregnancy test that's locked in a glass case as an 18 year old "young adult" female until it happens to you. I promise, it'll get you shaking in your boots... Or in my case Chucks lol. Anyhow, now all I have to do is look for a stinking job I don't want. Gah. Oh yea, and deal with whatever else decides to come my way & stress me out. Never fails, does it?

Monday, 31 August 2009

Life has got to be the strangest thing that was ever thought of. Isn't it strange how you think something will never happen to you... until it does? Even the slightest possiblity of it can make a person go completely insane.This is how I've been for the past week or so. The thoughts & doubts keep growing daily. I'm going to find out for sure Wednesday, if not sooner. Tempted to go out right now & solve this equation... or make it bigger.
I've found out there's a possibility that I may be pregnant. I'm only 18! I can't be. But I could be at the same time... My mother got pregnant at 17 and had me. Now, after trying to avoid her footsteps, I may have fallen into them. The only difference is my boyfriend will stick with me. He actually is kind of excited about it. Unlike my father, who dumped my mom on her birthday. If I am, I can't stay here. It'll break her heart, even if it's not about her; she'll take it that way. Oh, God, and my grandmother will be even worse. I'll have to move out without them knowing, leave a note telling them not to look for me, that I'm fine & just can't stay there anymore. GOD I don't know what to do. Life is pretty cool... Until something scares the shit outta you. Everywhere I look I see baby things, baby bumps, little kids. It's bad enough I have to deal with my three younger siblings... WAY younger. The youngest just turned 1 this month. I never thought I would get pregnant so soon. I wanted to go to college, get married, then start a family. It may be way sooner than I thought, minus the college or married part.
You're pretty lucky, Xanga. The first person I told was my boyfriend, only cause he brought up the subject jokingly. Imagine how shocked he was when I mentioned there was a possibility of it being true... Then he told my best friend. I was going to keep it all a secret till I found out for sure. And now you know. We'll see how far this path takes me together I guess.
I'm not gunna lie; I'm scared to death right now. I've got a few pregnancy symptoms, but not all of them. Then again, who ever does? But one thing is for sure... If I am pregnant, I'm definately keeping the baby. There is no way on God's green earth I could give up a piece of myself and the man I love. Now I'm kind of wondering if I'll be upset if I'm not... I could get used to having my own baby. Every so often, I get this longing to hold a baby that belonged to me, and wasn't just my little brother or sister or a kid I was babysitting. Starting a family would be nice, just probably not the best thing for me... us right now. I know my boyfriend is going to be happy and sad no matter what the outcome. We've already talked about it. He held me while I cried over it & told me everything was going to be fine. I just hope that's true.